happiestpanda

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 04:07:28 GMT

Ok, so if ever you thought we were friends---you really should contact me.

People who've been out of the loop---yeah now is your 'time to shine' keep an eye on me baby---cos' from what I hear I'm a vanishing act.

<3 Lesha.

Boredom at work, so I’m gonna write a story…

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 16:21:40 GMT

Her hair fell lifeless on the comforter, long red locks like spun copper; kinked into fiery bundles and quickly matted with the heavy stench of iron. The moment played over and over in my mind, this wicked stop-action movie, there was no comfort left in the place and it didn’t take anytime for that reality to set in. I think that’s when I left; it could have been a few hours after the ambulance arrived, or maybe after the hospital.

Sterility leaves that burn all over you.
Perhaps, my BIOS is acting up or corruption in the packet transfer?
These errors arouse concern generally in the moments before you find yourself on a table under some hypnotic algorithm for a techtopsy; best not to think about it.
A series of yes or no questions, a few signatures a trip to the restroom and I was out.

It was most definitely after leaving the hospital that I knew all ties had been severed. That Rozz was gone forever and although I wasn’t biodegradable, I was most definitely disposable. Its closest analogy would be the sloughing of dead skin; a flicker, reboot and restart is all it takes to be born anew. I stopped counting after hitting the hundreds for my own sanities sake. How many lives I’ve passed through, normal, exotic, and dangerous; sometimes its better not knowing everything, having to defrag it all is a processing nightmare. I’ve done a few hacks and patches, I know enough to keep me safe not like last week, it’s possible I overlooked something, maybe. Sometimes I just get irrational, but for now I’m just a little lost. Waiting for the Directive Live Stream, under our Universal Agreement and my status, it’s the only thing I can set my clock to, the only way to have a Legal Identity Shift and be registered for Societal Integration. I can feel the transformation, and am well aware of it. I feel like a super aH, but I know better than to delve into that and let it lead me to conclusions. The only thing I should feel concerned with is my new assignment, thing is as the last burn fades into oblivion leaving only a latent print the seduction of trying to figure out the past I find harder to resist with every new LIS. I think that’s what got Rozz. It’ll only be a few more moments before she’s little more than an angel in a dream, but I cling to it not wanting to let her go into the ether.

Why can’t I keep this one memory, just this one time?
I feel like it’s an argument I’ve already had a thousand times over but it doesn’t make it right-to rip everything away and shove me back into the everyday.

Her heart shaped face brought a smile to mine, porcelain framed in a fiery mane she called hair, shadows seemed cast on my memories, and now I can barely remember what it was I was talking about. I know there’s a woman, and that she’s terribly important to me, somehow. It’s going to drive me crazy; maybe I should write a letter to the Directive. Maybe they’ll know what the problem is, my malfunction, or maybe I’ll give the LIS some time to adjust to.

Why Banfiled's is completely worthless and should be avoided at all costs.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 17:56:54 GMT

http://www.petwalk.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000083-4.html
http://www.consumeraffairs.com/pets/banfield.html

So Banfield's Pet Hospital is a corporation that doesn't care about pets, and hires doctors who are incompetent---except when they find reasons to charge you for redunt or inflated 'exams' and services which we never rendered in the first place.

My cat recieved 2 misdiagnosis' and now is in the care of a private doctor whom not only was able to diagnosis her within 5 minutes of his inital exam, but also listened to my concerns about her symptoms...unlike 2 of the 3 doctors I saw at the Laurel and Columbia Banfield's Pet Hospital in Maryland. For her condition, she's about to undergo surgery which should ACTUALLY give her a clean bill of health, unlike the relentless slue of doctors visits, tests/exams, and antibodics (over a $1000 out of pocket and equally as much claimed in 'savings') which cause her underlying problem to be dormant, until she has another flare up. All of this, which my current vet informed me lead to her current heart and kidney condition probably could have been treated this past spring, or even last year and maybe circumventing her current state all together.

Sadly I'm left with an inflated bill, which mysteriously is more than paying out to the end of the year, that is without of the proclaimmed 'extras' in their 'not healthplan' but discounted 'bundle package'...how can this math be right when I never opt for the actual expensive 'extras'?

Cost of 1 year plan: $359.40
Cost to buy out of the plan: $365.01

poopy

Fri, 18 May 2007 14:43:53 GMT

By Monday, my heart will be in Carolina.
Building something for tomorrow.

CSS

Thu, 17 May 2007 14:40:27 GMT

So I made another page, at myspace for Perk's Visual Arts program. Thing is now I have to go in and learn more about things like CSS so that I can make it look better---and better, I think I'm off to a good start.

I did manage to find some VERY basic information on CSS and learning how to use it and what-not, hopefully tonight I can put it all to good use, especially since I have a lot of resources at my fingertips...sort of?

Welcome to the most basic tut. ever...I think I can follow it though
http://www.w3.org/Style/Examples/011/firstcss

It then goes into a second part...which I think may be a great stepstone to learning how to use CSS...cos' everyone seems to want to use it. :)

Wish me luck, or a graphic designer!!! <3

Wed, 16 May 2007 15:47:46 GMT

YAY I made stuff.

Ma'

Mon, 14 May 2007 16:28:00 GMT

For the most part, all holidays spent with family are a maddening arduous task that I must undergo for some undetermined amount of time. Show up, get sucked in and return home as the sun has set and I have no concept of what happened in the 4-8 hours of my life that I feel somehow I was cheated…this past Mother’s Day however uncomfotable it started, ended on a damn good note.

Wake up, run to the store, foughting with other customers for the ‘best floral arrangement’ and to my anguish, forgot my credit card at home. Terrible luck for me, I went home to find D playing with his models and ran back to the store. The clerk surprised with my return, but as promised, payment, a short revisit and I was on my way.

I had somehow forgotten it was D’s ex-wife that was the florist, and we arranged the flowers as best I could, with a bit of teasing antagonism from, D. After which we had an arrangement. It was beautiful!! Parental units call, what sort of pizza would be ideal? Timing, a bit off, a tiny white lie about my location and things seemed pretty set. They want to walk in the park---I dread our arrival. D is less than pleased.

After changing and arguing with D for a bit, we left for my parent’s house. Suspicious of what will transpire next, we arrive. Ma’ is whining about everything, Da-doo is pleasantly optimistic and in a no-more-bullshit sort of mood. Simple makes the man happy. A few teasing pokes about the gift, a candle warmer with my mothers favorite scent, and some praise about the flowers, it’s been engraved in my mind EXACTLY what sort of arrangement is acceptable. Kind of a sore subject. Unlike yours truely, Ma doesn't like white (white, being understandable---as she's not deceased) or tea roses...though they smell the bestest...actually she hates all other flora, red roses are the only acceptable flowers to give Ma, and showing without flowers is completely unacceptable. Ya can't win.

After lunch, Ma makes everyone uncomfortable, Alexander makes plans to roll out as soon as possible, and Da-doo strikes up a conversation about employment…somehow he also manages to recruit Alexander’s friend---in a ‘this is how to go about getting a federal job’, a 4 hour conversation about where to go, what to say and how to get a job ensues.

In the midst of this, my brother lends me his PS2, he’s moving back home after graduation from Drexel…and I walk with hundreds of dollars of games/controllers…including the absolutely ridiculous ‘Guitar Hero’ which either D or I intend on playing…

I panic a bit as we make for the door with lots of working knowledge of federal employment, a PS2 and lots of Korean food (yums). Turns out D wasn’t mad---which I worried he would be. It wasn't my idea or plan for this whole work thing to happen, my Dad just gets on tangents and can't stop if he's knowledgable about the subject.

Dadoo extended an offer to help, and we made out like bandits…so no matter how the day seemed to be heading, it was all gravy by the time we got home.

Just have to pick up a memory card for the PS2 now…

While D has lots of work to do on his resume…he’s got people who really genuinely want nothing more than to help him. It's kinda awesomes. Yay.

Resignation...

Thu, 10 May 2007 14:35:17 GMT

So for the past several months I've been a volunteer working for the independent coffee house as the art coordinator. It's seemingly been a good run. For every show: I try and get the artist excited, I come to help or supervise the initial installation (depending on the artists), make sure all the fine details are taken care of---talk to management to get them a reasonable deal for compensation. Then I show up for the open, let the staff know what's going on and sit back and watch, make sure the artists are comfy...it's their show, they're the stars...and they've done real well.

Yesterday the new music coordinator got on my shit for some new things I wanted to try, things to make the place better...the owner backed me on some no-brainers, and basically everything I said was somehow retarded according to the new guy. I remember when the owner was ANTI-myspace...now he can't get enough of it. But the thought of me using it, to get information out to my artist contacts...hells no, it's a terrible idea, when basic marketing argues otherwise.
I was so upset, my feelings were hurt, and I was angry; I cried most of the night.

I've been having an off week. I'm crying right now, I'm still upset---

Somewhere in my mind, I had this idea, that the one place that I give freely of myself, that I actually pay to be a part of...would be a safe place to be when feeling pretty down about life. I was wrong. Everything I was doing wasn't good enough, and every idea I had to make things better---was shot down. Although, every show we've put on thus far has been 'bigger and better' and people have enjoyed the hell out of themselves.

So D is going to tell them I resign---I'm too emotional...I get hurt and I'm inconsolable. He hates seeing me like that, and no one has the right to make me feel like shit, especially not when I am a volunteer and I am NOT THIS FUCKERS SUBORDINATE. I’ve done nothing short of the best I could with my own PERSONAL resources, with my own PERSONAL time. I work a normal 9-5 and then I do more…oh well if it’s not enough.

They can find a robot to make a list of names, I made shows, and I did it well.

Thu, 10 May 2007 01:09:29 GMT

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Wed, 09 May 2007 17:00:48 GMT

Why are you Crazy?
	Because the man is after you

'Why are you Crazy?' at QuizGalaxy.com

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Wed, 09 May 2007 14:52:38 GMT

Some days you wake up and breath...but feel like covering your head and hiding from the work, gently hiding from all this crap that seems to come along when you don't want/need it.

I'd scream some more, but the yuppies seem to be in short supply in my office of construction works.

I think if I stab blindly at anymore numbers I'll go mad---and maybe beat someone with a magnifying glass.

I'm not really happy here, but I have to work---find something I can claim as my own in this world of office buildings and electronicly keyed doors.

I like the rest of my life and can't sacrifice the stability...as much as I'd like to---we'd all be homeless. No thanks.

The results, my stomach is acting up again, I think I might need a few days of resting---so I don't find myself crying into the toiletbowl as I violently hurl...I'm just not feeling myself, I'm exausted, angry and sad.

Its only Wednesday---pull it together girl...
I'm trying.

I'm still angry, I'm still fragile, I'm still hurting.

Mon, 07 May 2007 17:28:27 GMT

Sunday is Mother's Day.
I remember my first Mother's Day in Baltimore.

There was a mixup at our guard tower, and they told me I had flowers sent to me, turned out they weren't for me, but the whole walk down to the tower and I wondered who would have sent me flowers, thought it might have been a cruel joke, or an attempt at thoughtfulness.

I went through a cycle of feelings, angry, sad, depressed, optimistic, happy, crushed. I turned so red, and just started to sob when the guard took a second look at the card and realized the mixup. Since that Mother's Day I found that I feel a little empty and pain that I just can't seem to work through, no matter how hard I've tried to, during different seasons, different holidays I feel like I'm drowning, and I fight like hell to make things ok.

Usually this gets me a big kick in the face by someone---or maybe a whole herd of someones, one after the next; because they don't know me, don't understand or care to understand me, or how I got to being me. Results may vary but inevitably are in some way: me---torn up and spit out as I try and pay a penense that others accept, others who deserve nothing more that a swift kick in the teeth.

Why can't I just have my days of mourning?
Why can't people stop thinking of themselves and help me heal, let me heal.

To have to make a choice on your own, to kill your child and relinquish the feeling of death knocking at your door, or risk your life as you continue to wither away and carry to term. The councilors couldn't prepare me for it, went into the room and came out broken and alone, went into shock in recovery and had to be restrained and given medication...

I don't think this feeling ever goes away, he'd be 5 this year.

Mon, 07 May 2007 15:27:06 GMT

This weekend seemed to be the weekend of family, we all just sat around and hung out. First with my parents, and then with my siblings.

It's super hard to do this for me, because both drive me insane in different ways. Parents: 101 questions about my siblings, how they are, what they're up to and how terrible my one parent is to the other for not satisfying some worldly desire for whatever. Sibling: We hang out, eat, talk shit about our parents durring our childhoods and then part our seperate ways.

I spent a pretty penny this weekend, but I feel good about making the world I sometimes frequent look better. About bringing a little bit of joy to other peoples lives and that sort of thing. I feel less sleepy today, and decent...everything has a strange way of at least partially exausting me...

Mother's day is around the corner, and I hope that maybe my mom will enjoy my company and what I bring, rather than be displeased with it...which wouldn't be unusual for her...sadly.

Monsta...

Thu, 03 May 2007 15:01:05 GMT

Sitting at my desk, I answered the phone, seems they were asking me something on the otherside of the line, didn't make much sense, nothings made sense in days---I'm exausted, I'm dead dog tired...

I look over and take another sip of my extra tall energy drink and stare back at the screen a series of letters and numbers to denote where these trends lie...I help to define them, and somehow I don't feel any better, after all, aren't we all looking for a little definition? Seems though I'd like one, I don't have one. I stare back into the screen and wonder what people will think of this little dialog, and that's what I think as I write most of my posts, what will people think, as a whole, I'm not trying to single anyone out, so unless I address "you" I'm probably not speaking to you. The computer is not like the glowing blinking mind control box we sit in our living room...it's not talking to you.

So yeah, I'm sitting, here trying to sort my thoughts, sip some more energy drink---can't help but think that it might be this that's keeping me from sleeping. I'm a touch bit worried as I'm dizzy, progressively and probably shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. That knot in my back though, it's gone, which is nice...hardly feel any discomfort at all.

I really shouldn't let people get to me, I really shouldn't care. Care leads to worry, and worry, well that's just a big ball of stress...we're all big kids and we can all take care of our selves. Though yesterday, we did need those 4lbs of beef, extra veggies and a grill, it's summer and the world's alive.

How nice, how lovely.

Wed, 02 May 2007 16:07:34 GMT

this site is really interesting...

http://www.instructables.com

Tue, 01 May 2007 16:16:54 GMT

Art show updates:

Well the show that went last week, went really well.
We had a video installation, streaming---then the graveyard shift played video games all night.

Chris liked it though, and that's all I really care about, the owner says Yay---and you know you did something right.
It also went to improve on the already (obvious to some) genius of D. Which is always good, the <boy3 thinks way too much to be doing stupid labor....thou it is kinda sexies.

So now we have one more installation style awesomeness to add...video installation, and as the weather gets warmer there are much more posibilities...with outdoor activities during an open. I'm not sure how much sales might have been bolstered with the addition of say, packages...

The one major drawback to the evening was that my S-Video cable walked. $20 out of pocket down the drain---makes me so aggitated. I do too much for nothing...should start charging people.

Now just have to get some show lined up for June...

Tue, 01 May 2007 16:03:36 GMT

I'm seriously less than pleased but I think I have to go work clothes shopping.
My body changes rapidly---loosing weight, gaining it...loosing it again...

Winter to Spring to Summer...

A lot of the clothing I wear is either still too small or too large on me...and girl clothes aren't cheap.
What a pain. Heh.

Maybe I can find a shopping partner...I feel frumpy.

shows...

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 20:05:32 GMT

Being the art coordinator at Perk is kinda getting me down right now.

One of my artists hasn't gotten back to me, and as it stands currently---the other artist who's showing in tandem is edging for a bigger area, which is good, only I have to keep the promises I make, even if it means that part of the Perk isn't covered in art. Friday should be interesting.

It's overwhelming trying to get artists to commit, and it's strange because you'd think people would be extremely excited about showing in a free space for a month---but they're all shy and hesitant. Which isn't good for me, because Chris wants the place booked for at least a year.

The rules keep changing too---like commercial artists want promos and 'traditional artists' want to whine...all of which I have to run by the GM and the owner...all of which I have to find time to do when I'm not working...my normal 9-5.

Oh well---I knew this was going to happen when I took it on, that there would be some struggles until the network was set in place. I can only hope people will start keeping up their side...

If only I could import peoples...

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 16:18:20 GMT

And then I get back to the office, look at the boss' and stress---i stress a lot.

looks like i might be going through training with the boys in baltimore...woo....

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 16:23:38 GMT

Walking into a room where you know everyone and none of them seem to recognize you, priceless.

This weekend was a trip, mostly because it was unlike any other weekend we've had in months. It was beautiful. I wore a bright red sorong and white tank-top with a big red hat and bitch-glasses...and they didn't recognize me...even when standing next to Dan...even when talking to them directly, it took a minute to register...I think it's a big beautiful good thing.

I feel so alive..
more than ever before.
I feel so alive...

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 18:22:26 GMT

I've decided that Gaelic is weird as hell....

"Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat"
that's a common Gaelic curse..."May the cat eat you, and may the devil eat the cat!"...

interesting none the less...
http://english.glendale.cc.ca.us/gaelic.html

We has plants...

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 17:25:26 GMT

They're totally sprouting up everywhere, hundreds of tiny green little ones...
my healthy army of minions...
my beautiful spring creation
my escape...

I found that the peppers will fair well in 16" pots while the tomatos will need 24" (bout' 5 gallons) to be happy.

HUGE CONTAINERS...

*sigh*

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:53:16 GMT

[x] coffee
[x] monster (2)
[x] lunch

why am i so sleepy?
why
why
WHY!!!!

I want a nap----
*sips monster*

RAWRAWR!!!!

"Church of God the Utterly Indifferent"

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 16:46:39 GMT

I find it hard to believe Kurt Vonnegut is ded. I enjoyed this article though.... http://www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2007/s1895823.htm

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:55:50 GMT

So this Friday is come as your alter-ego/party like a rockstar party...
I thought about this some this yesterday.

Who is my alter-ego persona...
anymore, i don't really know---anymore.

I want to say it demands kinked hair---wild like a mane...
and makeup which rivals that or some wonky clown...but pretty.

yeah...pretty...basically just pretty to looks at...little else.

...or maybe that's my own personal hell...

...done up just so, and left to be something to look at and admire...like some sort of specimen.

I should just think of it like---what do I own that I'd never really wear---put it on and go out.

I still think Dan's hair up like coolio's would rock. :)